Insecurity. The struggle one has with, well everything. Especially wives. Am I doing good enough? Is it clean enough? Does he like me? Is he disappointed in me? What if he isn't happy with how I keep our home? Is he still attracted to me?
It all accumulates and churns in a slow mess in our heads till we go crazy. Literally. We drive ourselves to the edge and glare down the dark hole we assume is reality and wonder if that is where we belong.
Having gone through a very rough season of battling my insecurities, I can say that from those insecurities a light was poured on how I think and rethink and overthink. I struggled over every day, wondering if the "butterflys" of us newlyweds were gone because I didn't do enough around our home. Or if he really liked my cooking. Really. Not just saying, "its good babe...". And if he REALLY was happy with how I run our home. Just questions, right? But then they evolved into speculations of: It must be that he is disapppointed in me. He can't be happy with how I keep things. How can he? My cooking sucks! I don't shower till noon! Laundry is behind! Our cabinets are so disorganized! Dust everywhere, dirty dishes, toilet stinks, shower hasn't been touched in three weeks...how can he!? My head felt like it was going to explode. And then more: you think he is attracted to that!? Exercise more diligently! Geez, flabby! I degraded myself, and put myself into dark places, constantly crying, constantly defending. But against what? No one and nothing. Maybe my head. Convincing myself. Of what though?
The tiniest things my husband would say or comment on would be twisted to conform to my thoughts. I would tell myself, "See! Confirmation! He isn't happy!" And cry and rant to him. It took one simple sentence from him to end my attacks at him.
"I can't help your insecurities!"
I remember blinking. Thinking, "What?"
What if, he was right? What if he really wasnt't the source of all my insecurities? What if I had no need to defend myself to him? What if he was telling the truth and he DID like the way I ran his home?
All this time I attacked him and defended myself against the lies IN MY MIND. Why?
It is so easy to overthink things, so easy. Mistaking what he says with a insecure response of, "What is that supposed to mean?" And dwelling on things and running and rerunning scenarios again and again in my head to the point of tears.
"I can't help your insecurities...."
It is true to an extent. Some would agrue that yes he could, because he can be more uplifting, or be thoughtful of what he says to you. But the crazy thing is is that HE UPLIFTED me. He would tell me how beautiful I am. It was my head that would tell myself, "What a liar, I am so fat and these stretch marks are hideous." And when he said "It's good babe." About dinner, I would roll my eyes. Not him. Me.
Oh, the power of insecurities. How is it that I can be verbally uplifted and yet feel so disgusted with myself. Am I sabatouging myself? What reason do I have to not trust my husband.
As months have passed as I have slowly written this post, I have learned even more.
A) My husband would not have married a girl he wasn't attracted too. Period. So when he says I am beautiful he is most certaintly telling the truth!
B) He isn't afraid to tell me if a dinner is gross. He has in the past hasn't he? We are past that "honeymoon"
C) Insecurities come and go. That's when it is CRUCIAL to stand upon the truth and not on emotion. Feelings can be very misleading.
Quite contray to the Disney fantasy to follow one's heart is probably not the best thing after all. God's Word in Jeremiah 17:9 says,
"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it? I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind...."
The heart is flesh and prone to wrong. Not saying it is pure evil and always in the wrong, but to rely on it solely as a form of discernment is foolish. Especially when solid truth is being spoken to you. The enemy will take full advantage to manipulate your emotions and thoughts to disrupt your marriage. Imagine if your husband walked around with a sad look on his face and seemed to walk on pins and needles because he doubts your happiness with him as your husband? Or if you appreciate his job? His physical looks? To me imagining my husband doubting my absolute love, appreciation and happiness with him makes me feel so guilty. Makes me feel sad and wondering how I have failed to show my love to him. See the sick cycle of this whole ordeal?
I don't have a cure for the various insecurities that will battle with your mind in your marriage and journey through motherhood. I can only give you this insight I have found thus far in my marriage. Hopefully it will open your eyes to something you are going through and help you accept the compliments your beloved gives you, or walk with more confidence that YOU are the one he chose to marry, or have a clearer understanding of what to pray against.
Stand strong on the truth of who you are to your husband, children and God. Don't allow the enemy to cause havoc with your emotions and create unneeded storms in your marriage.
